Dougie Patterson

1977 – Childhood

Dougie Patterson and his life long friend Ivor Thompson are the duo that make up Dicks. Since being children they constantly walked the path of immaturity, indecency and stupidity. Dougie and Ivor formed a childhood gang which included Wee Willy, Mister Snatter (later to become the Wanker), Spence and Tom Boyd. Dougie always followed along with Ivor’s ridiculous schemes which often involved toilets, beating up girls, laughing at the afflicted and being all around dicks to everyone they met.

1991 – Marriage, Dicks, Cocaine and Satanic Rituals

Dougie finds himself engaged to a girl named Valerie due to him getting her pregnant and is immediately given advice by Ivor’s Uncle Shuggie on the best way to kill her. Taken back by this Dougie soon finds himself quite unhappily married after a night of insanity at his bachelor party. During his honeymoon he a Valerie head to Costa Del Sol where after a quick fit of love making Dougie finds himself spending the rest of his time glued to the toilet in a relentless tumult of diarrhea thanks entirely to a prank played by Ivor.

Shortly after coming back home Dougie finds out that the baby he and Valerie have had was not actually his but instead the illegitimate child of Big Billy, Dougie and Ivor’s life long nemesis. Dougie moves in with Ivor as he has no other choice except to live on the street. Rather than try to find a real job Ivor tells Dougie they should be come private detectives, or as they call themselves, Dicks. Ivor offers to sponser them by selling poteen he is trying to make from his uncle Shuggie’s still which he recently inherited after Shuggie had a heart attack due to Ivor’s incompetence and neglect.

Dougie and Ivor are tipped off to be at Queen’s Bridge the next day by an unknown man who has been stabbed in the back. After meeting up and acquiring a briefcase, which they know nothing about, they open it up only to find a huge stash of cocaine.

Dougie wakes up to find that Ivor has invited to old gang of Wee Willy, the Wanker and Spence over and before long Uncle Shuggie’s ghost makes an appearance upon which Willy offers to preform a Satanic ritual to rid Ivor of him permanently. The boys decide to leave Spence to watch over the cocaine while they take care of Shuggie. At the graveyard Willy sets everything up and in a matter of minutes the zombified remains of Uncle Shuggie are trying to kill all of them. In an attempt to save his friends Dougie rams into Shuggie with his car and bores a massive hold through his stomach and speeding away with everyone else to safety only to get home a discover that Spence has snorted the entire briefcase full of cocaine.

Dougie drives Ivor to Ballymuckspreader to meet their associate Mr. Bell who they plan to sell the cocaine to instead of the Poteen but soon discover that the cocaine was actually Mr. Bell’s the entire time. Dougie finds himself in an airplane about to be thrown off for stealing the coke when Ivor shoots the henchman leaving Dougie to take care of the pilot. Dougie crashes the plane into Valerie’s Dad’s car and as he is about to kill them both Mr. Bell shows up with Big Billy to finish the job only to run into the Zombie of Uncle Shuggie. Dougie runs off to hide and commandeers a thresher killing Valerie’s Dad, Big Billy and Shuggie in the process.

2001 – Ten Years Later

Dougie meets Valerie to give pay her child support and upon returning to the bar confronts Ivor about their failure in the detective business. To this Ivor call’s in Wee Willy, The Wanker and Spence (who has now embraced the homie in him) and announces his plan for them all to form a band. At this news Dougie heads to the bathroom, takes a seat and laments the hell that is his life.