Origins of Tek Jansen
While not much is known about the early life of Tek Jansen, it is known his adult life has been a constant blend of space adventures, dire situations with giant beasts and insidious enemies, and sexual promiscuity with “hundreds of girlfriends.”
The New Tek Jansen: Animated Episodes
Season 1, Chapter 1: “Operation: Heart of the Phoenix: Dead or Alive”
The episode begins with a robot approaching a space station, requesting access. Access is given, and Tek Jansen emerges from the robot and kills the guards. Tek continues on to find the File Sector to find the plans for the Inhibitor Cannon so that he can stop the Brazilian from stealing New Earth’s cloud supply. Abraxia, Tek’s “most sensual nemesis” confronts him, at which point they fight and he wins. They then have sex. He wakes up in bed and Abraxia is gone, flying away from the bed that has turned into an insidious space creature and trapped Tek.
Season 1, Chapter 2: “Operation: Destiny’s Underbelly: Entrapped!”
The episode begins with “robots and lasers” on the verge of destroying Jansen as he’s pinned to a torture table. He’s able to get his golden toe ring off and jam the incoming saw. A pigeon passing by clutches the ring, but is evaporated by the enemy laser, causing it to drop the ring on the “Emergency Torture Stop” button, saving Jansen from certain death. Jansen is then confronted by an alien, four- eyed, snake-tongued tiger, who is shot by Kevin and Jenny, Jansen’s comrades. They confront “the Brazilian” who is trying to steal all of New Earth’s clouds. They attempt to place him under Alpha Arrest, but he goes for his deadly ray gun and kills Kevin.
Season 1, Chapter 3: “Operation: Aurora Strikes Midnight: Courage’s Arrival”
The episode begins with Jansen and a woman lying in bed while flying through space. She says that he must have had hundreds of girlfriends, to which he replies, “Hundreds and one.” Tek has been dispatched by Senator Depaaa to rendezvous with the Hgwian envoy. Jansen docks at Theta-Zeus-Aquarias after a very long landing process with the spaceship tower. After leaving the ship he’s met by a Mutatilsaurus (a Tyrannosaurus Rex with a jet-pack)
Season 1, Chapter 4: “Operation: Homecoming’s Doorstep: Cat on a Luniharp”
The episode begins with Tek at a space hospital gathering supplies to deliver to another planet. The doctor’s green, four-breasted, four-armed daughter walks in and mentions that Jansen must have had “hundreds of girlfriends.” An attack on the ship begins by the Bizlarmian Battlewedge, but the ships defenses can’t hold. The ship fires their “Big Gun” and destroys the enemy ship, and several planets behind it.
Season 1, Chapter 5: “Operation: Hounds of Hell: Ragtime Billy Peaches”
The episode begins at the Combatosphere orbiting over Asteroid Z, where Tek defeats a giant ape alien by decapitating him and saves the Senator. They escape to the space port and Jansen saves the pilot with an open heart surgery as he helps the pilots wife give birth. Both the wife and the alien Senator begin seducing Tek. When the Senator goes for some wine, she accidently releases a swarm of killer bees.
Famous Sayings of Tek Jansen:
- “Pa-rum-Pum!“: Upon discovering the next step in his space adventures, including when he’s about to
- “Solar Plexus!“: Said in anger
- “Haley’s Comet!“: In surprise at an incoming enemy alien tiger
- “Venus Flytrap!“: Upon seeing Jenny turn into a giant crab monster.
- “Fudge!“: After he breaks off his spaceship’s side mirror
- “Nailed it!“: Upon landing his spaceship
- “Astro Glide!“: When being confronted by the Mutatilsaurus outside Space Station Theta-Zeus-Aquarius
- “Saturn Ion!“: When the Bizlarnian Battlewedge commences attack on Tek’s ship.
- “Apollo Creed!“: When the spaceship air-lock opens.
Jansen’s Various Women
- Abraxia: Jansen’s most sensual nemesis. Blew up the Academy that Jansen went to.
- Jenny: Jansen and Jenny make love after he consoles her over Kevin’s destruction by death ray.
- Juliax: The Doctor’s four-armed, four-breasted, green daughter.
- Drulauria: A Senator Tek saves in the Combatosphere
- Pilot’s Wife: After helping her give birth
Facts about Tek Jansen
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According to Abraxia, Jansen has “obviously had hundreds” of girlfriends.
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By September 18, 2006 Stephen Colbert’s Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure was #1 best seller for 43 weeks, in Colbert’s mind.
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Each episode ends with Jansen in dire circumstances…often in the nude.